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Marital Humor

The Female always makes THE RULES.
THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
The Female is never wrong.
If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
The Female can change her mind at any time.
The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure.
She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
She will hate charge cards.
Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"
She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
She will love you because you're so sexy.

God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
She was once a model for a totem pole.
Where there's smoke, there is her -- cooking.
She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.
No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.

The wedding party came in the Rocky theme, I was carrying Jenny on my shoulder and she had boxing gloves on. It was great!
- John and Jenny Hall

I have met a lot of DJs in my short time in the industry, from cool to creepy, and I only carry your card in my wallet.
- Chris

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